AfterElton - 22/Mar/2011

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20 Gay TV Characters You Should Definitely Not Date!
Posted by snicks on March 22, 2011

When our sister site AfterEllen.com recently presented their list of 25 TV Characters You Should Not Date, we laughed along while smugly shaking our heads and thinking, "So many undateable women!" Then we started our own list ... and our smiles turned to tears. It's not that the gay men on our list don't have their strong points, but as you'll see, the cons outweigh the pros.

Lafayette Reynolds, True Blood

Pros: Hooker, please. You can't handle what he's got to offer.
Cons: Prostitute; V dealer; Suffers from post traumatic stress-from-being-chained-to-a-wheel-in-vampire-dungeon disorder
Dateability: Lafayette is fun and fierce, but don't take V with him or you'll soon be seeing floating voodoo tchotchkes and talking with your dead Grammy about future plot points.

Teddy Montgomery, 90210

Pros: Hot as hell; Rocks a wetsuit
Cons: Can only get life insurance from Art Linkletter; Likes shaking fist at clouds; Bursitis constantly flaring
Dateability: Teddy is hot, and his heart is in the right place, but it's difficult to date a guy you'll only be able to see for four minutes every other week.

Blaine Anderson, Glee

Pros: Will serenade you at your place of work
Cons: Will serenade you at your place of work; Hogs all of the good solos; Will only kiss you after animal death
Dateability: Blaine will get your heart racing in his skin tight jeans, just keep a close eye on him when he drinks.

Luke Snyder, As The World Turns

Pros: Rich; Hot when angry
Cons: Unimaginative wardrobe; Hair changes style mid-conversation; Bleeds strawberry toaster strudel; Takes a long time getting around to that first kiss and consummating relationship.
Dateability: Luke will stand by you no matter what, but if you date him there's a 50/50 chance you'll end up disfigured ... or dead.

Aaron Livesy, Emmerdale

Pros: Tuggable ears; Good in a bar fight or fixing your car.
Cons: Anger management issues; Probably cries after sex.
Dateability: Aaron is hot, but also a hot mess. Good for some rough sex, but be sure to pull the plug ... before he does.

Brian Kinney, Queer as Folk

Pros: Likes sex.
Cons: How much time do you have?
Dateability: Only if you enjoy a challenge.

Kyle Lewis, One Life to Live

Pros: Hot in scrubs
Cons: Stem cell harvester; Quick to say "I Do"; Will badger you til you come out on national TV.
Dateability: Kyle is sweet, and will welcome your child into his life after its mother drowns in an icy pond without her fashionable boots. But you should be aware of his ... clingy ... ex-fiance, who will track you down in a locker room and assail you with his hard sweaty nipples.

Kevin Walker, Brothers & Sisters

Pros: Has survived Walker family; Licked that Welsh accent nicely.
Cons: Poodle hair; Needs crane to remove stick from ass; Will force you to cheat.
Dateability: Kevin is a bit high strung, and his family dinners will have you reaching for the chewable hemlock, but he's a good guy at heart.

Cameron Tucker, Modern Family

Pros: Package requires pixelation; Fizbo.
Cons: Overly sensitive; Misunderstands situations for comic effect.
Dateability: Cameron has a big heart, but he has a tendency to take things the wrong way ...and personally. And he holds a grudge. And has "future Toddlers & Tiaras parent" written all over him.

Will Truman, Will & Grace

Pros: Fitfully amusing; Free legal advice.
Cons: Has shrieking harpies for friends.
Dateability: When you first start dating Will, he'll be confident and smart, but slowly degrade into a tired mess of cliches and bombast. And toward the end of the relationship he'll insist on bringing a "special guest star" along on every single date.

David Fisher, Six Feet Under

Pros: Co-owns family business; Not craziest person in his family; Fastidious about getting rid of scent of formaldehyde before cuddling.
Cons: Co-owns family business; Sees dead people; Sleeps with paintballers.
Dateability: David may seem like a good catch, but his family issues make the Walkers seem like the Waltons.

Steven Carrington, Dynasty

Pros: Rich; Iconic mother
Cons: Boyfriend-killing father; Easily seduced by Heather Locklear; Two-faced
Dateability: If you like drama, Steven may seem like a fun boyfriend, but one day you'll wake up with a man you don't even recognize.

John Cooper, Southland

Pros: Law bringer; Tough, but heart of gold; Good to have around in hostage situation, shootout, or when getting parking ticket.
Cons: Yells at kids; Aching back; Collects pill bottles.
Dateability: If you want to be John's partner, don't make plans for a rooftop picnic.

Alby Grant, Big Love

Pros: Um ... Pro-active?
Cons: F**ked up; Really, really f**ked up.
Dateability: Don't. Just ... don't.

Sam Adama, Caprica

Pros: Hot Tattoos; Hot body: Surprisingly, a homebody when job permits.
Cons: Plays with knives; Easily offended; Clothes frequently have hard to remove stains best not to ask about.
Dateability: Will quench your bad boy thirst, but if you insult his lineage he has a tendency to get a bit stabby.

Reid Oliver, As The World Turns

Pros: Useful organs; Can bandage boo-boos including defective eyes; Beneath prickly exterior is more prickliness, but beneath that is a good guy.
Cons: Cranky; Has trouble mastering rudimentary locking devices; Hard to get along with at work.
Dateability: Dating a brilliant surgeon can be tricky, but he's got a strong heart and he's got a good head on his shoulders ... and on the train tracks.

Mitchell Pritchett, Modern Family

Pros: Ginger.
Cons: Was teenage figure skater; Scared of birds.
Dateability: Mitch is mild-mannered and uptight, but if you're a drama queen with size 18 clown shoes, you may have a shot.

Oliver Fish, One Life To Live

Pros: FUB; Police cop.
Cons: Holds gun at odd angles; Will only sleep with you every ten years.
Dateability: Oliver has a kid, so be prepared to become an instant stepdad, and don't be too gay or you may be forced to write off this relationship.

Kash, Shameless

Pros: Store owner; Not likely to smother you thanks to wife and kids; All the Slushees you can drink.
Cons: Timid; Can only have sex surrounded by Toblerone and Cool Ranch Doritos.
Dateability: Kash is afraid of his own shadow, but chomp on a Snickers bar, and he'll go bonkers and take out a defenseless Pringles can and Hostess Snoball.

Scotty Wandell, Brothers & Sisters

Pros: Adorable; Funny; Smart; Sensitive; Caring; Giving; Will cheat, but only to teach you valuable life lessons
Cons: None.
Dateability: We have a winner!